mama's world

she melts my heart

Haven't posted it quite some time and I know it.  I keep meaning to and then I get overwhelmed with all the "catching up" I "need" to do.  SHE much?  But I am sitting here working and glanced at her school photo from this fall (came out very well) and I my heart melts.

She has been doing that a lot lately.  More than she aggravates, thankfully.

Just this morning as she was eating breakfast I stepped over to leave something (a drink or vitamins, maybe) for her and she looks up and says "Hug".  She loves hugs and asks for them often.  She could be in the middle of something and come over for one.  She is very affectionate.  And, she is always saying "I love you".  I can't say how much I love that!

She's growing, she's learning and she's starting to do many of the annoying things that school-aged kids are likely to do (what happened to the "inside voice"?).  But, she still has the power to melt my heart.

I'm a lucky gal!

she's really not a baby anymore...

I know this.  I've known it for awhile; after all, she hit the 5.5 mark in June.  SO not a baby.  And I am okay with that.  But, sometimes it hits me and I am surprised still.

This little one who has always

- been petite (and still is) now has legs that are long and muscular.

- let me brush her hair (though under protest for the tangles) now prefers to brush it herself AND does a pretty good job.

- had tiny feet (and really kinda still does) now has long, slender feet.

- been so slim (and still is) suddenly no longer fits in those 3T (yes, 3T) shorts.

She's started asking to attend day camp even when her BFF isn't attending.  Says she "doesn't care" that she "still has fun".

She's working on getting that second loose tooth out.

She went on three "new" (to her) big kid rides this weekend.  Rides she never would have tried if Daddy-O or I suggested it.  But, let our friends' kids ask and she is all over it.  She's on her way.  She is almost a big kid.

And, if that weren't enough proof, she no longer needs to hold my hand.  It's true.  She wants to walk with the bigger kids--play with the bigger kids.  She'll still hold my hand when it's she and I.  We'll always have a connection, but she needs more now.  She's spreading those wings and all I can do is watch and be here to guide her.

don't blink...

This is pretty much how I have felt since P-nut was just a wee one.  When she was an infant, I felt like one day I would wake up and she'd be in Kindergarten.  Now, as that day approaches, I feel like I'm going to turn around and she'll be in high school.

One of my favorite songs is Don't Blink by Kenny Chesney.  I love most of his music, but this really hits a nerve.

"Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink"

This morning a guy walked to the train station with his wife and 8 mo. old baby girl.  My first thought was how sweet that his wife and baby were walking him to the train.  His "train friends" were standing right next to me so I could overhear the conversation.  They must have asked the baby's age because he told them she was 8 mos. now and he couldn't believe how she had grown.

I wanted to tell him not to blink.  That he would wake up one day and she'd be in preschool.  Obviously, I didn't do so, but the song has been with me all day now.

Mom can mean friend too...

The ADSR2 challenge #5 has prompted me to write about something that I probably would not have...wow...second time in a week that I am doing something I likely would not have because of ADSR.  I'm so glad I signed up for the challenge!!!

Looking back, Mom was always there for me.  I mean to talk to...even if she wasn't comfortable with the topic (birds and bees-theory, then reality, etc.) she was there.  We did a lot together.  Monday night ceramics for years.  Watching tv together.  Grocery shopping---even as a teen, when most kids don't want to be around the 'rents, I went grocery shopping almost weekly with her.  Then, as an adult, "real" shopping.

She was there with advice and with love.  She was there with a listening ear or a shoulder to cry if I needed it.  Thinking about it now, she was the best friend I didn't realize I had.  I guess it's true what they say...you don't know what you've got until it's gone.  I knew we had a good relationship---I just didn't realize the extent of it.  I hope I was as good a friend to her as she was too me.  I know she confided some things in me.  Not much about her relationship with my father...she wasn't like that...but she did eventually tell me a good bit about her childhood and how she felt about it.

It wasn't really a conscious decision for this to influence my life, but it has.  I realize now that I have been trying to foster a similar relationship with my daughter.  I am the parent and I know that.  There is discipline, but there can be friendship too.  This isn't apparent now.  She is, after all, only 4.  But, I am teaching her that she can tell me anything.  That she can come to me no matter what and I will listen and answer her to the best of my ability.  That there is enjoyment to be had in mundane, everyday things like shopping or taking a walk.  That we can (and should) enjoy our time together.  Sometimes I forget this too and need a little reminder.

I cannot guarantee that we will be friends in addition to being mother and daughter.  I can plant the seeds, tend them, watch our relationship grow and hope the roots are strong enough to develop.  I can also hope that someday she chooses to do the same thing with her child.

This is a test...

Yeah, another one...

a day for remembering...

Today I actually remember to go check Kristen's (Quirky) Hot Off the Press prompt at The Digi Shoppe  before I blogged.  WooHoo!

First off, on the train this morning I realized I completely forgot the anniversary of Mom's passing yesterday.  I've know for awhile it was coming, but the day passed without a thought.  How sad is that?!  So as I was navigating to find Kristen's prompt I was thinking that I should write something about Mom today as well.  How interesting that today's prompt fits right in...

Kristen prompted us with:
"Gonna go sentimental on ya!! Do you have a special memory of someone in your family? Something that was just for the two of you...your grandma, grandpa, uncle, anyone! Present or past! I'd love to hear about your memories (besides once you write this up poof...you have journaling for a Layout!! )"

Special memory?  Hmmm...let me tell ya, once someone passes every memory is special.  How do I pick just one?  She was more than just my mom.  She was my friend.  We were "pals".  I always enjoyed doing things with her.  Even as a child and a teenager (believe it or not) it was not uncommon for me to accompany her on simple things such as grocery shopping.  I just liked spending time with her.  As a young adult, we continued this.  Lunch out, shopping trips, hanging out.  We even did a Monday night ceramics class together for years.

When I moved out of the house the second time (after a big blow up with my father), she would send me little notes now and then in the mail.  A coupon for something she knew I would use.  An ad for something she knew I'd like.  Just little things---but they meant the world to me.

It got more difficult to hang out once she moved away (nearly an hour and 1/2 drive), but I'd take a Friday off here and there and drive up so we could do our running around.

For years, her illness seemed no more than an inconvenience.  The doctor was amazed that she was having as few side affects as she did.  Her MRI's showed that she should be having much more difficulty than she was.  But, when she started having more problems it seemed to snowball quickly.  I can't imagine how she felt to loose her driving privileges.  We all pitched in to get her where she needed to go, but it must have been so frustrating for her.  She never complained though.  So typical of her.

At the end, I did not expect it to be the end.  At 4 months pregnant with my first child, it was inconceivable to me that she might not be there.  Even after having spent over six months in hospitals and rehabs, I honestly thought she would get better.  I knew she would never be back to her old self, but I really thought she could get well enough to come home.  Even if it was only for visits (she would have been wheelchair bound most likely).  I honestly believed she would meet P-nut.  How could I not?!  It was a shock to get the call that summer morning telling me I needed to come.  Even as I drove the hour + to meet Dad and Dawn at the house, I knew it was over.  But, if I didn't think about it then it couldn't be true, right?

I'm not angry with her for leaving.  She needed to let go.  Her body just couldn't take anymore and I know she is in a better place.  I am angry (not sure at whom) that I was robbed of sharing motherhood with her.  Of not being wise enough to learn just a bit more about the "who" that Betty Ann was.  I want to call her when P-nut does something new or says something funny.  I want to ask her advice when P-nut is giving me a hard time or is sick.  I want to hug her and tell her how much I love her and miss her.  I want her to hold P-nut and see her smile and the look of genuine happiness that her grandchildren always brought to her face.  Yes, I am nearly 36 years old and I want my Mommy.

The wisest (and kindest) thing that someone said to me when she passed was that she did not miss  meeting my daughter.  The person told me that Mom was actually the very first person to meet P-nut...she was in Heaven.  She knew my daughter.

I believe this is true.  I also believe that she is looking down on us.  She knows what is going on...she sees P-nut growing.  She is not missing a single thing.

I am.  I miss her.  I love you, Mom!

The hardest thing...

about being a parent.

Christy (hershey_0107) at Elemental Scraps has a new "Write-on" Challenge up for the second 1/2 of the month.  She wants us to think about parents...can you tell what I decided to write about?

So far, the hardest thing I have found being a parent is balance in discipline.  P-nut has a strong personality and an inquiring mind.  I don't want to stifle either but rather teach her how to use them.  We "behaved" as children in my family out of fear.  Fear of punishment by my father.  While I'm not against the occasional smack on the butt when needed I prefer that P-nut learn to behave properly because it is the right thing to do not because mommy is going to punish her.  So, it's a fine line to walk.  When has expressing her feelings gone past acceptable and into unacceptable and how should mom react?  With a strong personality in a 4.5 year old body it's a tough call.

I want her to know it is okay to speak your mind.  But, she needs to learn how to express herself and when.

I want her to know it is okay to ask questions.  But she needs to know there is a time to listen as well.

I want her to know it is okay to be angry/sad/disappointed.  But she needs to learn how and when to express these feelings and that she cannot hurt another person simply because she is unhappy.

I want her to question things she does not understand and not simply follow blindly.  But she needs to realize mommy and daddy run the show and their word (for now) is final.

This has been a trial lately for a host of reasons, but I realize that the biggest one is sleep.  What, you might be asking yourself, does sleep have to do with it?  In my limited experience, sleep has everything to do with the behavior of a preschooler.  At least my preschooler.  And she has not been getting enough.  With the excitement of the new place at the beach, the end of the school year and other day-to-day changes, she has not been getting to bed on time.  A 1/2 hour here and there doesn't seem like much, but it adds up.  By being a "nice" mommy and allowing her to stay up and watch a favored show, I am setting her up to fail.  Her tired mind can't cope with disappointment, anger or annoyance.

It's apparent that, even in summer, a schedule is a good thing.  Starting tonight P-nut will be in bed by 8:30.  This is still about 1/2 hour later than ideal, but on a regular basis should be reasonable.  As trivial as it seems, it is the first step in teaching her how to deal with life.  I owe her that much.

While I am on the subject, mom will go to bed early too.  10:00 to be precise.  I always say this and then get caught up scrapping and stay up.  But, now that I think about it, what example am I setting for her by staying up late and then being tired and short-tempered?  What's good for the goose is, in fact, good for the gander.

to love and be loved...

...is all one really needs, isn't it?!  I received a short, but sweet e-mail from a dear friend today and it made me smile...Gosh, I love this gal  :)

"This weekend I was at (boy's) last soccer game...and chasing after (girl) who gets bored after a while.  Back behind the soccer fields is a field of over grown grassland and (girl) and I ran into a wide field of wild daisies. As she and I were picking them, I was thinking of you and your mom.  Even though I never met her, with you as her daughter I know she and I would have gotten along beautifully.  I planted them in my backyard along my back fence, I don't know if they will take root but hopefully they will and if they do I'll have a daily reminder of the woman who brought you into this world and blessed me."

Honey, with a friend like you, I too am blessed---beyond belief.  Thank you!

it's the little things...

in life that make it SO GOOD!

I was driving to the train station this a.m. and I heard a song on the radio.  I KNOW I've heard it before, but for some reason, I really heard it today...Helps remind me to be grateful for all the little things that make life real...

Lucky Man by Montgomery Gentry
From the Album: Some People Change

I have days where I hate my job,
this little town and the whole world too
and last sunday when the bengals lost...
Lord it put me in a bad mood

I have moments when I curse the rain
then complain when the suns too hot,
I look around at what everyone has
and I forget about all I've got

[chorus]
But I know I'm a lucky man
Gods given me a pretty fair hand,
got a house and piece of land,
a few dollars in a coffee can,
my old trucks still runnin' good,
my tickers tickin' like they say it should,
Ive got supper in the oven,
a good woman's lovin' and
one more day to be my little kids dad,
Lord knows I'm a lucky man

Got some friends that would be here fast,
I could call em any time of day,
got a brother who's got my back,
got a momma who I swears a saint,
got a brand new rod and reel,
got a full week off this year,
dad had a close call last spring
it's a miracle he's still here

[chorus]

My old trucks still runnin' good,
my tickers tickin' like they say it should,
I got supper in the oven,
a good womans lovin',
and even my bad days ain't that bad...
yeah I'm a lucky man

I'm a lucky lucky man

out of the mouths of babes

Just some funnies from DD...

While walking to the car one day late last week she said, "Look, mom, the trees have buns".  Buds, the trees have buds, honey.  You know I can't think of this without picturing a small tree with butts on it (as in tiny tooshes).

This was awhile ago...maybe 6-8 mos.  While singing along with her Hannah Montana CD she sings,
"Everything I see
Every part of me
Gonna get what I deserve
I got nerds"
I tried for weeks to convince her it's I got NERVE, to no avail.  She has since figured it out.

"Mom you're not the boss of me you know.  Do you know who is?  God, God is the boss of me.  And you.  And Daddy."  How do you reply to THAT.  You're right, HE is, but he's left Daddy and I in charge.